My Understanding of the Silmarillion
by RegardlessofThought
Summary: I decided to write a silly version of the Silmarillion to help me to better understand what the heck happens in this book. As I wrote, I did not take it seriously at all. I may add more chapters as I reread the Silmarillion. Rated T for my liberal use of language.
1. Ainulindalë

My Understanding of the Silmarillion

By Regardlessofthought

Ainulindalë

In the beginning there was this dude named Ilúvatar, or something like that. He was also called Eru, 'the One', 'He that is Alone', and 'Poor fucking Lonely Guy'. One day he decided to bring these guys called the Ainur into being. They started singing, but it took them a while to get their shit together and sing well, which was like flutes unto trumpets unto harps unto choirs unto really fantastic music, okay? But then this guy named Melkor decided to fuck shit up because he was a douche, and for some reason among the Ainur he had been given the greatest gifts of power and knowledge. And well…crud.

So Melkor created his lame music, which was really out of tune with whatever everyone else was doing. Ilúvatar sat and hearkened, which is basically another way of saying he sat and did shit. Eventually he smiled, lifted up his left hand (his left hand, oh my gosh), and he created a new theme of music that was _way better_ than Melkor's. But Melkor, being a stubborn little shit, just made his music louder because he figured this would make it better. (This is a belief shared by many a trumpet player in marching bands.) Ilúvatar realized he needed to approach this differently, and lo! he created a third theme (with his right hand!) that was small and kind of soft, but still awesome. Kind of like a hobbit.

But Melkor just tried to play even louder, and that really made Ilúvatar mad. So he threw up his hands (both of them!) and he ceased the music.

And Ilúvatar said, "Melkor, you're pretty awesome, but I'm the best."

This scared all of the Ainur for some reason, except for Melkor, of course. It made him feel a bit peeved.

And then Ilúvatar said, "Behold, your music!"

And the Ainur saw a vision of a world made from their music. (This is a fantasy, so of course the world is made out of fucking music.) And they saw the coming of the Children of Ilúvatar, otherwise known as Men and Elves. This excited the Ainur a whole lot, and they wanted to go and be nice to the Children of Ilúvatar, all except for Melkor, who we have established to be a total douche. He wanted to rule them _so bad_.

Out of all the stuff in this vision, the Ainur praised water the most. Apparently water is like music, and they liked that a lot, especially the Ainu (the singular form of Ainur, folks) named Ulmo. He liked water the best, and his friend Manwë liked the sky the best. Clouds are made of water, so every time you see one from now on, remember the beautiful friendship of Ulmo and Manwë.

Anyway, suddenly there was darkness. This darkness meant that the Ainur did not know everything! This explains why Melkor later went on to be such a doink, because if he knew what was going to happen, he probably wouldn't have wasted his time.

After that Ilúvatar actually made the world come into being, instead of it just being in a crummy vision. The Ainur went to this world, and suddenly they are called the Valar and you need to check your index to make sure they are the same thing. They discovered, much to their surprise, that the world wasn't like the vision yet, but had to be shaped to this vision. Ilúvatar probably made the most tremendous of troll faces at this point.

As you can imagine, Melkor promptly pitched a fit and had this huge old fight with the other Valar. They tried to make stuff, and he kept kicking it down, kind of like that jerk kid in the sandbox who always knocked down your castle. Apparently it was a pretty huge battle, but we don't know much about it. So...that's that.


	2. Valaquenta

Valaquenta

Or

Who the heck those Valar and Maiar people are according to the Elves

The Elves give a quick recap, in case anyone has forgotten: Ilúvatar (AKA the One, Eru, or the Really Fucking Lonely Guy) made the Ainur and they sang a vision thingy, which Ilúvatar gave Being (yes, capital B). The Ainur traveled to the World and it was their job to make the vision actually happen. The Elves neglect to mention that Ilúvatar totally hoodwinked the Ainur into doing this, and they don't mention anything about the Ainur being demoted into Valar once they come to the World. Well, as good as demoted, anyway.

The Valar: so there are seven of them, as well as seven Valier (lady Valar). The names of the Valar from best to worst are Manwë, Ulmo, Aulë, Oromë, Mandos, Lórien, and Tulkas. Yes, I have already forgotten those last two. The names of the Valier are: Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Estë, Vairë, Vána, and Nessa. It's cool if you forget most of their names. Melkor, of course, doesn't count since he was such a jerk. Also apparently no one speaks his name on Earth, but if you say his name aloud right now, it won't be true. Melkor Melkor Melkor. Ah, that felt good.

One day Ilúvatar thought to himself, "Hm, Melkor and Manwë are definitely brethren in my thought." For some unfortunate reason, Melkor was made the mightiest of the Ainur, but Manwë is clearly Ilúvatar's favorite since he knows so much shit about Ilúvatar's schemes. He really likes the sky, and another name for him, which I give you permission to promptly forget, is Súlimo. He loves all swift birds that are strong of wing, so I guess penguins are out.

Manwë's Valar lady, or Valier, is Varda. She is too beautiful to describe, so I'm not going to bother. One time she rejected Melkor, and so he decided to hate her and fear her more than all other things that Ilúvatar made. Rejection hurts. Varda pretty much never leaves Manwë's side, and they live together in Valinor in some tower called Oiolossë. When I attempt to pronounce this it sort of sounds like Oioioioioiolossee. Varda helps Manwë see super far, and the Elves call her Elbereth, which is probably one of the names you should remember. The Elves love her the most…but Manwë still has a special place in Ilúvatar's heart! Beat that, Elbereth/Varda.

Now let's talk about Ulmo. He's the Lord of the Waters, and he is also alone (a common affliction, it seems). Ulmo is second to Manwë, and he's also Manwë's buddy. He doesn't like to walk around with a body, because, you know, bodies are such a fucking hassle. He loves the Children of Ilúvatar and sometimes walks unseen among them. He pretty much knows everything because water, which I did mention he rules, is everywhere. He's probably the most voyeuristic Valar there is.

Aulë comes after Ulmo, and naturally he's the lord of the stuff which comprises Arda. That means dirt, not water. Water is Ulmo's turf. Don't tell me you already forgot that because I know I might have. Aulë likes being a smith, so he's like Melkor since he wants to make his own stuff. Melkor took exception to this and constantly gives Aulë a hard time. It really sucks to be the object of Melkor's affections.

Aulë's wife naturally has a lot to do with the earth, too, and her name's Yavanna. She likes trees and moss and probably mushrooms, too. As a queen of the Valar, she is second only to Varda. She's also called Kementári, Queen of the Earth, but I'm going to forget that and you should, too.

Next up we have Mandos and Lórien, but just kidding! People only _call_ them that. Their real names are Námo and Irmo. Námo, the older brother, lives in Mandos (and you thought that was his name, ha). He keeps the Houses of the Dead, and he knows everything except the shit that Ilúvatar keeps to himself. His wife is a weaver of time or something. Her name is Vairë.

Irmo lives in Lórien, which has super nice gardens, and he is the master of dreams. His wife is Estë, and she heals hurts. What else would she heal? Her gift is rest, so she takes a lot of naps. Even the Valar go to Lórien to take a break when they get too sick of Ilúvatar's shit with this Arda business.

Nienna, sister of Námo and Irmo, is much better than Estë even though she cries all the fucking time. She does cry all the fucking time. There. I've summed her up, that's all you need to know. Let's move on.

The strongest Valar (like, in actual strength, not the other crap) is Tulkas. He is surnamed Astaldo, the Valient. So I guess his name reads like Tulkas Valient Astaldo. He likes fighting and his hair and beard are golden…oh fuck he's like Thor without a hammer. That's so rad. No, you don't understand how great I think this is. He. Is. _Fantastic_. You know I'm fucking serious when I pull out my italics. Anyway, his wife is Nessa and she sounds pretty fucking useless.

Oromë is Nessa's brother, and he tends to get horribly pissed off. He likes to hunt and he has too many names. He even has a horn with a fucking name. I wouldn't be surprised if the horn has more than one name. His wife is a mini version of Yavanna. She has something to do with flowers. Her name is Vána, but if she ever comes up again, I'll just call her Yavanna. That shouldn't be too confusing.

You've probably already figured this out, but only a handful of the Valar actually matter. They are called the Aratar, the High Ones of Arda, and they are Manwë and Varda, Ulmo, Yavanna and Aulë, Mandos, Nienna, and Oromë.

We've now run out of Valar to talk about, so let's at least mention the Maiar for a few sentences. The Maiar are like mini-Valar, and they act as servants. The Elves don't even know how many Maiar there are. And…that's all I feel needs to be discussed. Let us sally forth and discuss other things…

…Like bad guys. Bad guys, as you know, are evil. We have already established that Melkor is pretty fucking evil, and not because he kept trying to ruin the Valar's stuff. He also corrupted a bunch of Maiar. The Valaraukar, demons of fire also called Balrogs, also served him—wait. Balrogs are Maiar? Oh…wow.

The Elves decided to call Melkor Morgoth, by the way. I know it's yet another name to remember, but this one should be easy because it also sounds evil. The Elves called his greatest servant Sauron, or Gorthaur, who originally worked for Aulë but then ditched him to grow up to be just like Melkor. Aww.

Here Ends this Chapter


	3. Quenta Silmarillion Chapter 1

Quenta Silmarillion

Chapter One

Or

Shit we didn't know and shit we already knew

Tulkas (the Valar guy who's like Thor) came to Arda and beat the shit out of Melkor. Melkor hated him for pretty much ever after that.

Yavanna (plant lady Valar) finally planted some seeds she'd been thinking about for a while, and of course the Valar realized they would probably need some light. Aulë made two lamps (with Yavanna praying on the sidelines), and Varda (Elbereth) filled the lamps (she has to do with stars so maybe she put in starlight who fucking knows), and Manwë hallowed them. Then the Valar naturally put the lamps on the tallest pillars _ever_. They happened to give the lamps names. Who are we fucking kidding of course they have names! One was named Illuin and the other Ormal, and they placed the lamps in the north and south. I bet you thought they'd put the lamps in the east and west, loser. And no, they didn't put them out for nighttime or anything, so it was like daytime all the fucking time. I guess the Valar thought this was cool.

With all this lamplight going on, Yavanna's seeds sprouted into every plant imaginable, including trees as big as fucking mountains. The Valar made their home on the Isle of Almaren in the Great Lake and admired all this new green stuff for a long fucking time.

Then Manwë decided a feast was a pretty great idea, and all the Valar came even though Aulë and Tulkas were tired from doing most of the work. In case you forgot because I know I did, Aulë was the earth Valar guy and Tulkas was the strong Thor guy, so that's why they did most of the work. Melkor found out about this food and he was super jealous. He learned this from his spies, of course. (Where are trustworthy Maiar when you need them? Not here, ha ha.)

The Valar didn't sense Melkor's jealousy, and they didn't see his shadow because of the light of Illuin. I thought light would help them see but whatever. Melkor's shadow was too dark. So the Valar weren't aware of his approach and Tulkas espoused Nessa, the sister of Oromë. Nessa danced and continued to be her useless, uninteresting self. You can even check the index and see that she's only known for her relationship to Tulkas and being Oromë's sister, which are such _proud_ accomplishments. Oromë, in case you forgot, is the Valar who likes to hunt. He has a horn with a fucking name.

Anyway Melkor snuck up on the Valar's frivolities while Tulkas slept. I guess his wife's dancing wasn't that great. Melkor built a secret fort (I built forts too when I was a kid, out of pillows) and he built it underground to make it as evil as fucking possible. He named this fortress Utumno. His evil spread out into Arda and killed some of Yavanna's pretty green stuff. Beasts became monsters and other evil stuff transpired, etc. Melkor attacked the Valar and broke their shit, like the lamps, which both fell and started huge fires, then he ran away and hid in his fortress. The Valar were too busy cleaning up his mess to chase him, plus they were worried about rending Arda since they didn't know where the Children of Ilúvatar were.

And so the Spring (capital S) of Arda fucking ended. It was just fucking _done_. The Valar's shit was wrecked, including their home on Almaren, so they had to find someplace else. So they went to the westernmost west west-y place there was, the land of Aman. I think the world was flat at this point, so you can't argue that Aman could be the easternmost place, depending upon your perspective. The west shores looked on the Outer Sea (Elves call it Ekkaia, great name), and this sea surround Arda, and beyond it are the Walls of Night (fancy name for space, I'm guessing). The east shores of Aman were the Belegaer, the Great Sea of the West, and since the Valar didn't want Melkor to pop up uninvited again they _actually prepared_ and fortified this place, and they raised some high mountains called the Pelóri. I'm guessing Aulë and Tulkas did all the work on that one. And Manwë, like any pretentious god, put his throne on the tippity-top of the mountain. The Elves named the mountain Taniquetil and there are so many other names they aren't even all listed, but "Oiolossë Everlasting Whiteness" is one of the names for the mountain. I thought Oiolossë was a fucking tower.

Anyway, behind the Pelóri the Valar created Valinor, their domain. Valinor became very pretty and holy. Even the rocks were holy, and of course the water was holy. Holiness everywhere, people. The Valar built mansions and their city, Valmar. There was a green mound by the western gate of this city called Ezellohar, and Yavanna sat on it and sang while thinking about her plants. Nienna came and helped by watering the mound with her fucking tears. The other Valar sat around uselessly and listened.

Two trees sprouted from the mound, and you'll never guess what they were called: the Two Trees of Valinor. Both trees were pretty and green, and one was also silver while the other was gold. So they were both sparkly. One was called Telperion and the other Laurelin, but since these were super special trees naturally they have a million names each. So these special shiny trees shined at certain times six hours apart and yada yada counting time began. Varda hoarded the dew that came from the trees in big vats, which is what I would do, too, if I came upon some shiny trees. Except I don't have any vats.

And now we come to the part where stuff is repeated that we should already know! Stuff we already know that I will also repeat: Varda has to do with stars. Aulë has to do with making stuff that has to do with land. His wife, Yavanna, likes plants. And maybe we didn't know this, but Aulë is a friend of the Noldor (specific group of Elves that we will talk about more later, yo), and they learned a lot about making crafts from him. They even made these super special gems called Silmarils that I'm sure won't be important later on because they are only really similar to the title.

Now moving onto stuff we already covered again: Manwë sits on top of a throne on top of a mountain and he likes birds but not penguins. He liked the Vanyar best (different group of Elves, not the same as Noldor) and he is blue and pretty. Manwë's wife is Varda (also called Elbereth), and she made the stars. Did we already say that? Well, in case you forgot, Varda made the stars. She made the stars and she made them good.

Have we talked about Ulmo yet? You know that lonely ocean Valar? Yes? Well, we shall mention him again! He is the ruler of the ocean, and he knows stuff because water is everywhere. I bet if you think about his voyeuristic water abilities you feel uncomfortable in your own bathroom, am I right? The Teleri (yet another group of Elves!) learned a lot from Ulmo. Ulmo has Maiar (the mini-Valar who are liked servants) named Salmar, Ossë, and Uinen. They control the sea. Did we mention that? Yes? Well, don't fucking forget it.

Did we also mention that Yavanna likes plants? She fucking loves those things. And Oromë likes beasts, which are vaguely like plants, right? So let's talk about him, too. He killed the monsters that Melkor made. He has a horse, but more importantly he has a horn. And his horn has a name!

Elves and Men are the Children of Ilúvatar. That has probably already been said, but what the fuck let's repeat everything at least once. The Elves are more like the Ainur (the Valar, people!) and the Men are more like…other stuff. Ilúvatar said "The Quendi (the Elves) are special and pretty. To the Atani (Men…duh, genius) I give different gifts that aren't really special, but boy I sure am going to act like they are. You see, Men are going to be curious motherfuckers that get into trouble. But that's all part of my plan. And get this. They also…wait for it…they also get to _die_. Ha…ha ha ha…AH HA HA HA HA. Ahem. All part of the plan, my great, brilliant master plan that nobody really knows completely but me."

The Elves were not cool with this, so they didn't like Men. Men, they thought, were too much like Melkor. Melkor also didn't like Men because he's a huge coward who fears and hates nearly everything. We did discuss how he built a fortress underground, right? That's basically the evil lord equivalent of hiding under the bed.

So the Elves don't die unless they are killed or they get too sad and waste away. They go to the halls of Mandos in Valinor when they die. So…they don't actually die? Hmm.

And no one knows where Men go when they die. 'Cept Ilúvatar. He's such a troll.


	4. QS Chapter 2

Quenta Silmarillion Chapter 2

Or

Of Aulë and Yavanna

Or

Aulë does a thing that he shouldn't and Yavanna throws a fit

Once upon a time Aulë did a thing. He did the kind of thing that you shouldn't do when Ilúvatar is your dad, because Ilúvatar will get mad. But the truth is Ilúvatar's a big softie and he probably won't do anything that bad to you if you do get him mad, so go ahead and do the thing.

Anyway, Aulë did the thing: he made the Seven Fathers of the Dwarves. There is no mention of any Seven Mothers of the Dwarves, so I can only assume they reproduce asexually by spitting out eggs, kind of like Nameks. Aulë did this in a hall under the mountains because as you may recall he is the Valar guy that has to do with earth stuff. We may now refer to him as the Valar Guy That Did the Thing or the Valar Guy That Made the Dwarves.

Ilúvatar, being the know-it-all jerk that he is, knew about this pretty much immediately. And he said unto Aulë, "What the fuck."

And then he said further, "You do realize they are only puppets. You haven't actually made anything."

Aulë responded piteously. "But Dad!" He said. "I just wanted to be like you. Don't be mad. I will kill them now."

And Aulë grabbed a huge hammer to smash the Dwarves. The Dwarves begged for mercy because they could see that the hammer would smash them pretty good.

Ilúvatar then said, "Wait, don't you see that I gave them life? (Only I can do that, ha ha.) They wouldn't beg for mercy if they were just puppets. Your little speech about wanting to be just like me made me feel all warm and fuzzy, so I'm going to be a huge pushover like any parent shouldn't be and let you have your Dwarves."

"Yay!" Aulë cried.

"But wait: the Children of Ilúvatar, that is, the Elves and Men, take precedence over these Dwarves. So put them to sleep under a mountain or something, and they can wake up after my children do."

"'Kay." Aulë said, and he did just that.

Since Aulë made the Dwarves when Melkor was stomping around making messes, he made them hardy. They lived a long time and could survive better than most other things. The Dwarves believe that when they die—which they do since they aren't immortal—Aulë, whom they call Mahal but you can probably forget that, takes them to special halls in Mandos, and they do stuff for Aulë. They also believe that the Seven Fathers (Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and Sneezy) reincarnate in their kin to do stuff.

Yavanna did not find out about Aulë's Dwarves until later since he kept it a secret. And she was pretty peeved.  
"Your Dwarves will kill my plants," she said. "I am not okay with this."

"Yeah, well so will the Children of Ilúvatar," said Aulë. "So too bad."

And so Yavanna went to Manwë since he was the king of the Valar and all, and she pitched a huge fit.

"I want my trees to be able to get mad and turn into huge, green ragemonsters that can punish those who wrong them!" Yavanna cried. At least, she said something like that.

"What a weird fucking thing to say," said Manwë.

"But, I swear to Eru, it was in the Song," whined Yavanna.

And suddenly the Song made more sense to Manwë because—I guess—Ilúvatar wanted it to. It was a big secret before then, naturally.

And Manwë said, "Yo, seems like you're right. Huh. Eru said your trees may have their ragemonster abilities, but only when the Firstborn (the Elves) are in power."

And Yavanna was happy with that and said, "May my special trees grow so tall that the Eagles house in them!"

At this Manwë became tall and scary and said, "Nope. Only Aulë's mountains are good enough for my Eagles. The forests will have the Shepherds of the Trees (Ents!), and that will have to be good enough."

So Yavanna went back to her husband Aulë and bragged about how pitching a fit helped her get her way.

"Eru is super generous. I have ragemonster trees now. Your kids better watch out."

And Aulë said, in true cheeky male fashion, "Yeah, but my kids will still need wood." And he went back to his work.


	5. QS Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for the review and favorites! They are very encouraging. I do plan to try to finish the entire Silmarillion, but my updates won't be very regular until next month.**

Chapter 3

Or

Of the Coming of the Elves and the Captivity of Melkor

Or

How many Elves Can You Name and Ha! We Finally Gotcha Melkor You Douche

So for a long fucking time, the Valar lived with those two trees I mentioned before beyond the Mountains of Aman. Middle-earth lay in twilight under the stars because as you may remember Melkor fucking broke the two lamps, the names of which I honestly don't remember and neither should you. Everything was dark and nothing was growing, so the Valar didn't really ever leave their home with the pretty trees except for Yavanna and Oromë, Yavanna left because she was sad her green stuff couldn't grow in the Spring of Arda and Oromë left because he's a badass.

Melkor hid in his secret base (Utumno) and gathered demons and other spirits around him, including Balrogs, which are cloaked in darkness and have whips of flame. (Something I remember from the movies! Yes!) Of course, he also bred a bunch of other monsters.

Melkor also built a fortress on the north-western shores of the sea (not actually in the sea, which would be _awesome_), and that fortress was commanded by some guy whose name you'll never guess. This fortress was named Angband. Oh, and in case you couldn't guess, that guy's name was Sauron.

Eventually the Valar decided to hold a fucking meeting because Yavanna and Oromë, the only ones who ever fucking left home, brought back tidings about all the shit that was going down. And Yavanna said, "Ye mighty of Arda, get your fucking shit together."

And Tulkas, the cool Valar who reminds me of Thor said, "Let us go to battle and kill all the ice giants!" He might not have said the ice giant part.

And because Manwë made him, Mandos spoke up and said something really boring that I forgot, but he essentially implied, "Yo, Varda, do something."

So Varda went forth from this meeting and looked out from Taniquetil (the mountain that Manwë put a fucking throne on), and she noticed how fucking dark it was. She thought to herself, gosh, we could use some light. So she used the dew from the tree Telperion and made stars. She made innumerable stars, which means she made a whole fucking lot. She gave some of them names and oh shit there is no way I am going to list all these names. Let's say I did since we all would have promptly forgotten the names anyway, okay?

As Varda finished making the stars, the Firstborn of Ilúvatar woke up. Ha my word processor autocorrected that to Firstborn of Elevator. So anyway the Firstborn of Elevator were by the mere of Cuiviénen, Water of Awakening. The first things they ever saw were all the stars with the names I _definitely_ listed but that we promptly forgot, remember? No, you don't. So anyway they loved Varda the best after that. The Elves can't return to Cuiviénen because stuff changes, especially the world, and that mere doesn't exist anymore. And did I mention the sound of water flowing was the first sound the Elves ever heard? Yup.

The Elves stayed where they were for a while and named themselves the Quendi, which means those that speak with voices. I speak with my voice, too. Do you speak with your voice? Fuck, we must be Quendi. But in all seriousness they gave themselves that name because they couldn't find any other living thing that spoke with a voice.

One day Oromë, out on a hunt, chanced upon the Quendi. His horse Nahar stopped and he saw them. And he was dumbfounded (Oromë was, not the horse). He loved the Quendi and named them in their own tongue Eldar, the people of the stars, but wait that name belongs to only a specific group of Elves later on. So hold your horses. Oromë did, and that's how he found the Elves.

But the Quendi weren't really happy to see Oromë, because as you may have guessed, the Valar didn't really have their shit together and only found the Quendi by chance. So Melkor got to them first. He sent spirits to spy on them, and he even kidnapped some of them. And the Quendi were afraid of a dark rider, which may have been a rumor Melkor spread or may have been because his servants were actually riders. Thus the Quendi were afraid of Oromë since he fit the vague description of rider, and many of them ran away when he approached. The ones who didn't shit themselves and run away quickly realized the light of Aman was in his face, and they were drawn to it.

…You were probably wondering what happened to the Elves that Melkor kidnapped, right? Well, he did horrible things to them and bred the Orcs. The Orcs both fear and hate him. (It's fucking miserable being an Orc.) This was _the_ worst thing Melkor ever did ever.

Oromë went and told the Valar about the Elves, and they were psyched. Manwë called a meeting and said, "We need to fuck Melkor's shit up and protect the Quendi." The Valar were all for this, especially Tulkas, but Aulë was not happy because he knew this war would hurt the world. Melkor never forgot this war was made for the Elves. And I will never forget that he brought this on himself, the little shit.

The Quendi didn't know anything about the Battle of the Powers (say it in a deep voice…_Battle of the Powers_) because the Valar put a guard around Cuiviénen. During this battle the shape of Middle-earth changed. The Great Sea that sundered Middle-earth from Aman grew wide and deep, and other stuff happened. Basically forget what you know about geology and tell yourself the Valar did it.

So eventually the Valar caught Melkor. Well, Tulkas specifically caught him. (Go Thor!) And Aulë bound him in a chain. These two are still doing all the work, I see. The Valar didn't check out Utumno or Angband very well, so many evils things were left to fester. Thanks, guys. You only fucking suck.

Melkor was thrown into a prison in Mandos that no one can escape from. So we don't have to talk about him again! Thank goodness.

The Valar got together in another council, and they decided to summon the Quendi, whom they loved very much. Of course, the Elves were suspicious of the summons. They thought to themselves, "These Valar people are fucking scary." Oromë was sent to fetch the Elves because Tulkas and Aulë were sick of doing all the fucking work. Actually, the Elves trusted Oromë the best, so that's the real reason he was sent.

Are you ready to be confused by how many groups of Elves there are? No? Then stop reading.

Three ambassadors were chosen for the Elves: Ingwë, Finwë, and Elwë. If you don't like names that end in 'wë' (pronounced way, I think…) then stop reading. These three Elves went on to be Kings for their people. They went to the Valar and they were fucking impressed by the Trees, and they came back and told their people to go to the Valar in the West. First sundering of the Elves, ahoy! Not everyone wanted to go. Those that did were called the Eldar. Those who were unwilling were called the Avari. They met never again until many long ages passed…which means they did meet again, eventually. The Eldar left their home to travel West in three groups, the first of which was led by Ingwë. He made it to Valinor and he fucking stayed there. Good for him. His people are called the Vanyar, the Fair People (favorites of Manwë and Varda) and few Men have spoken with them. I guess because they're in Valinor? Cool.

The second group was called the Noldor, led by Finwë. These guys are cool with Aulë, and they are called the Deep Elves. You might want to remember them.

The third and final group was called the Teleri. They took their fucking time on the road, getting distracted and breaking off into more groups of Elves for us to remember and shit. One group thought the sea was awesome, so they became the Sea-elves, the Falmari, and they had dudes with 'wë' names as their leaders. (…Elwë and Olwë.)

So the Eldar that made it West are called the Elves of the Light, the Calaquendi. But others, who set out but got distracted and didn't quite make it (those fucking Teleri) are called the Úmanyar. The Avari and Úmanyar are collectively called the Elves of Darkness, or the Moriquendi.

You thought we were done? Nope! There was also a group of the Teleri led by some dude with a 'wë' name, and he led them away. They were called the Nandor. Lenwë (that's the dude who led them) had a son named Denethor, and thus the tradition of having 'wë' names was broken.


	6. QS Chapter 4

**Hey, I'm back! The next chapter will be up shortly since this chapter was short. I will update often for the rest of the summer. I hope you all enjoy! :) Edit: Made a slight change to be clear that Thingol and Melian only had one daughter, but their lineage was full of pretty babies. :3  
**

Quenta Silmarillion Chapter 4

Or

Of Thingol and Melian

Or

Yes a Short Chapter!

Once there was a Maia named Melian, and in case you are a complete fucking retard (like me, so don't take offense) and forgot, here's a nifty little reminder: of the race of the Valar. Maiar are like mini-Valar, in case you really did forget and are confused. Anyway, Melian lived in the gardens of Lórien, and no one was more super special than her. No one was prettier or wiser or a better singer than Melian, and it is told that when she sang as the lights of the Trees mingled, everyone shut the fuck up.

She left Valinor and came to the Hither Lands when the Quendi woke up beside the waters of Cuiviénen…wait, what the fuck are the Hither Lands? Oh…I just checked the index for you. The Hither Lands are Middle-earth. Confuse people with your knowledge of other names for Middle-earth from now on, dear reader.

As you may recall, the Teleri rested a long time in East Beleriand, beyond the River Gelion…actually, I don't remember telling you that. But they did, trust me. And Elwë, chief head honcho of the Teleri, liked to visit his buddy Finwë of the Noldor. One day as he was walking through the woods of Nan Elmoth to see his friend, Elwë heard Melian singing. And he completely forgot that anything else existed. Eru could've destroyed the Hither Lands and Elwë wouldn't have fucking noticed. He found Melian in a glade and he took her hand.

They stood holding hands for a really long fucking time.

Years. Fucking years.

Elwë's people couldn't find him, so Olwë took over leadership of the Teleri, keeping the proud tradition of kings having 'wë' names intact.

Elwë never returned to Valinor so long as he lived. He and Melian stayed and from them came a line of pretty children, the prettiest ever. (They had one daughter, Lúthien, who continued their pretty lineage.) Elwë became a king of the Eldar of Beleriand, the Sindar, also called the Grey-elves and the Elves of Twilight. Elwë became known as King Greymantle, or Elu Thingol. Melian was obviously his fucking queen. Together they lived in Menegroth, the Thousand Caves, in Doriath. That sounds really fucking cool. I didn't know Elves lived in caves. I thought that was, like, exclusively a dwarf thing.

Thingol was the only one of the Sindar who had seen the Trees in the days of their flowering. Although he was a king of Úmanyar, he didn't really count as one of the Moriquendi. No sir, he was actually of the Elves of the Light because of reasons, such as him being super special and having a super special wife.

And like I said before, from them came lots of pretty babies.


	7. QS Chapter 5

Quenta Silmarillion Chapter 5

Or

Of Eldamar and the Princes of the Eldalië

Or

I Get Mad at the Teleri

The Vanyar and the Noldor made it to the western shores of Middle-earth. (Those fucking Teleri…) Only a narrow sea was between them and Aman, where Valinor is, but there was ice in that sea from Melkor being a jerk. (We are never going to stop talking about what a douche he was, are we?) Oromë led the hosts of the Eldalië (Eldalië=Eldar) into the lands around the River Sirion, which were called Beleriand.

Ulmo came up from the sea and spoke to the Elves because the Valar told him to. Fucking nags. He grabbed an island that was all by its lonesome and anchored it to the mouth of Sirion in the Bay of Balar. The Elves were then able to cross the ocean to Valinor. The eastern shore of the island broke off, and then it was the Isle of Balar, Ossë's hangout.

Now the fucking Teleri. *Sighs.* They were still in Middle-earth wandering around in East Beleriand, generally not accomplishing anything but trying to find their leader, Elwë, who was busy holding hands with Melian. They learned that they got left behind and hurried over to the western shores by the mouth of the River Sirion. But it was too fucking late, and they were sad. They took Olwë as their king. Ossë and Uinen came and befriended them and made them love the sea. Their songs were then filled with the sounds of waves upon the shore. (Splish. Sploosh. Splosh.)

After many undefined years passed, Ulmo got off his ass because Finwë, king of the Noldor, missed the Teleri. Ulmo went to take those who would come to Aman.

Wait, Finwë was the only one who grieved at them being left behind? Well, fuck you too, Vanyar. I am not happy with you.

Ossë was not happy to see his boss come take away the Teleri, who resided in his domain, the seas and shores of Middle-earth. So he persuaded some to remain, and they were called the Falathrim, the Elves of the Falas. I _love_ remembering all the different Elf groups. Their leader was Círdan the Shipwright, and they were the first makers of boats.

Some poor fuckers stayed to try and find Elwë, who was still holding hands with Melian in the forest. Ulmo left without them, and they called themselves the Eglath, the Forsaken People. They lived in the hills instead of by the sea and that made them sad. They did this to themselves, so don't feel sorry for them.

Elwë finally realized that holding hands was lame, and he came out of the forest and greeted his people. He was now super pretty like a Maia, with tallness and silver hair. Cool.

Now let's talk about the Teleri who left for Aman again. You thought they went straight there without any problems, didn't you? *My angry laughter echoes in the distance.* Ossë, the little shit, followed them on their way to Aman. And just as they were almost there, he called, "Wait. Fucking stop."

The Teleri heard him and asked Ulmo to fucking stop.

What.

What. The. Fuck.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

And Ulmo said, "Okie dokie." He left the island in the sea. He thought this was a fine thing to do because he thought the Quendi should stay in Middle-earth. But I might point out that this wasn't exactly Beleriand: they were on a fucking island in the middle of the ocean. It was called Tol Eressëa, or the Lonely Isle, or the Most Stupid Fucking Place to Just Fucking Stop.

What is wrong with the Teleri? And with Ulmo? I ask you that.

"What the hell!?" The Valar said to Ulmo when he came back without the Teleri. Finwë was sad when the Teleri didn't come back and even sadder when he learned that Elwë was left to his hand-holding devices in Middle-earth. He wouldn't see him again unless it was in the halls of Mandos.

The Teleri lived, as they wanted, on the fucking Lonely Isle, and their speech separated from that of the Noldor and Vanyar because of it. I'm guessing they were there a long fucking time.

The other Elves lived in Valinor in the Elvenhome, or Eldamar, and they lived on a green hill called Túna.

This hill unfortunately bore no resemblance to any fish.

From this hill they could see the Lonely Isle, and on the western shore of the isle the first flowers that were east of the Mountains of Aman bloomed. I only include this because at least there was something on that isle other than stupid Elves.

On the fishy hill the Elves built a city called Tirion. It was big and white with towers. The Elves had a thing for towers, especially the Noldor, the favorites of Aulë. They delighted in building fucking towers. The highest tower belonged to Ingwë, the high king of the Elves, also known as the jerk who wasn't sad like Finwë when the Teleri didn't make it to Aman. Stupid Vanyar. Well, Manwë and Varda liked the Vanyar. I suppose someone had to.

The Elves really liked the white tree in Valinor even more than towers, so Yavanna very nicely made them a lesser image of Telperion and blah blah seedlings and I think it's related to the White Tree of Númenor and any other white trees you ever heard of that were special.

The masons in the house of Finwë, quarrying for stone to build their fetish, the towers, found some gems. And they shared these gems with everyone. Don't let this fool you into thinking Finwë's house is great.

Let's list the people of Finwë's house while we're on the subject. (The Noldor went back to Middle-earth later, by the way. It's kind of important.) I'm just going to list them super quickly. There will not be a quiz.

Finwë's sons were: Fëanor, Fingolfin, and Finarfin. Fëanor had a different mom, which doesn't matter right now. Each son was super special in his own special super way. Finarfin was the fairest and he had Eärwen, Olwë's daughter, as a wife.

Fëanor, the mightiest and the flamiest ("his spirit burned as a flame"), had seven sons: Maedhros, Maglor, Celegorm, Caranthir, Curufin, and Amrod & Amras (twins, so they go together and practically count as one).

Fingolfin only had two sons, so I guess he loses: Fingon and Turgon. But he had a daughter, so maybe he actually wins. Her name was Aredhel the White, and she was pretty and pale with dark hair. She liked to hang out with Fëanor's seven sons. She never gave her heart's love to anyone, so she was obviously pretty fucking smart. I was going to make a Snow White comparison, but Snow White was a dumbass. Especially in the Disney version.

Finarfin's sons were: Finrod (later Felagund), Orodreth, Angrod, and Aegnor. These four were tight with Fingolfin's sons, like brothers.

Finarfin also had a daughter: Galadriel. She was pretty.

…Pretty fucking scary.

Now we finally get to talk about how the Teleri got to Aman.

…Yes, these fuckers eventually got to Aman. They were torn between their desires to hear the music of the waves upon the shores (Splish. Sploosh. Splosh.) and to see their brethren in Aman. What the fuck. They seemed to think they had to choose between them. No, they didn't. _The Elvenhome had a shore._

Eventually their desire to see the light of Aman won, and Ulmo sent Ossë to build them some ships. He was sad but taught them the craft of ship-building anyway, since they didn't have Tumblr to teach them. He gave them white swans to pull their white ships.

And at last, way over fifteen minutes late without Starbucks (but with the music of splishing and sploshing) the Teleri finally fucking arrived at Aman at the shores of Eldamar. Here that? A shore. And they spent their time in the Bay of the Elvenhome with their ships and shit. The Noldor gave them gems, and the Teleri also found lots of pearls from the sea, the sea that didn't magically fucking disappear when they reached Aman. The mansions of Olwë at Alqualondë, the Haven of the Swans, had lots of pearls.

Eventually the Vanyar left the city of Tirion on Túna to hang out with Manwë on his mountain. The Noldor in Tirion and the Teleri in Alqualondë grew close. Life was good.

And let's not forget Elwë on Middle-earth, holding hands with Melian.


	8. QS Chapter 6

Chapter 6/ Of Fëanor and the Unchaining of Melkor/ These Guys are Less Wise than You'd Think

Finally, all three groups of the fucking Elves were in Valinor, and Melkor was chained…which you know will soon change if you read the chapter title: "These Guys are Less Wise than You'd Think." This time was great, until it wasn't.

Finwë's eldest and most beloved son (ouch, poor lesser sons) was born. His name was Fëanor, Spirit of Fire, and he was very flame-y and spirit-y. Míriel was the name of his mother, but fuck that she was called Serindë but we will refer to her as Míriel from now on. Míriel died because Fëanor sucked all the spirit out of her, like a little Elven parasite. Finwë was sad. :(

After that, Finwë gave all his love to his son, who grew quickly because he was flame-y. He grew to be tall, pretty, and to have dark hair. He was talented in the usual unbearably perfect Elf-on-fire way, and he improved the Noldor's alphabet and figured out how to make gems prettier and shinier than before.

While still pretty fucking young (I don't know what young is in Elf. Probably at least under a couple centuries old, I'm guessing.) he married a chick named Nerdanel, daughter of some smith named Mahtan, among those of the Noldor whom Aulë liked best because of reasons. Fëanor learned a lot from Mahtan, and this is probably the last time I'll ever mention him (Mahtan, not Fëanor. Fëanor's fucking important and I will more than just mention him). Nerdanel was more patient than Fëanor due to the fact that she wasn't on fire, and she gave him seven sons. They became estranged because Fëanor later does some stupid shit.

Finwë (Fëanor's dad, guys. We are making the most graceful transition I know how to make.) decided to take a second wife, Indis. She was a Vanya of the kin of Ingwë, and she was completely unlike Míriel because as far as I know she didn't have any flaming parasite children. She had two sons, Fingolfin and Finarfin. Fëanor didn't care for them because he was busy being perfect at doing stuff and exploring Aman.

In the unhappy things which came later, many thought that if Finwë had fucking kept his pants on and been content to just have Fëanor as a son, great evil might have been prevented. Harsh. But let us contradict ourselves by remembering that without the children of Indis, the history of the Eldar would have been diminished. And by that, I mean it would have been far less interesting.

Now while Fëanor was busy being bright and on fire, it came to pass that the Valar were fucking stupid. They unchained Melkor. (Plot twist. We didn't see this coming.)

Melkor, as you can probably guess, was fucking pissed and full of vengeance and all that crap. But he postponed his vengeance, probably because he didn't want to go back to being chained after two minutes of freedom.

He begged forgiveness really pitifully and also begged to help aid in the healing of the world that he fucked up. Nienna aided his prayer, which I think means she was the first to fall for his act. Gah!

Ulmo, however, was not deceived, and neither was my bro, Thor. Fuck, I mean Tulkas. But they kept quiet because Manwë granted Melkor pardon, and you don't fucking contradict Manwë even if he was being the most unwise of the Valar at that moment ever.

Melkor hated the Eldar, so he pretended to love them all the more. (I do this all the fucking time. My dog thinks I love him. Ha! I hate him with a burning passion that I always express with affection, so that he will shower me with doggy kisses. Plus, if you act good with dogs people generally think you must be a good person. Never fails.)

The Vanyar were suspicious, and the Teleri he didn't pay much attention to, thinking they were too weak. I wouldn't pay attention to them either, considering how long it took only some of their group to get to Valinor. Anyway, the Noldor because best friends with their new buddy Melkor, and listened to his words of badness that they probably shouldn't have heeded, but fuck let's not blame them they didn't unchain the douche.

Fëanor hated Melkor because he followed the council of no one in Aman. Rather, he followed the little flame in his heart.


	9. QS Chapter 7

Chapter 7 / Of the Silmarils and the Unrest of the Noldor / Fucking Fëanor

Fëanor drew upon all his perfect elven-ly skill and made the Silmarils.

Fuck I bet these things aren't important enough to base the title on or anything like that.

The Silmarils were three stones of awesome made from mystery and fiery spirit. They looked like diamonds, but they weren't diamonds. They were, of course, more special than that. In fact, these three rocks were so special that we don't know what substance they were made from, and we can't determine it. Because of specialness.

The Silmarils also had an inner fire of special made from the blended light of the Trees of Valinor. So they were extra special because, really, how the fuck do you put light in a diamond? How the fuck do trees get all glow-y and emit pretty light anyhow? If I had a rock with the light of some tree I would dub it the most special ever, too. And so the Silmarils were dubbed super special.

Everyone in Valinor was super impressed by the special of the Silmarils. Varda hallowed them so that no mortals or evil or hands unclean could touch them. (Step one to touch Silmaril: Wash hands.) Mandos predicted that their special would affect the fate of Arda. Fëanor was very attached to these stones of special that he made. Things were good.

But everything changed when the fire in Melkor's heart attacked.

He spread lies among the Noldor, and the Noldor, who it turns out are big gossips, believed him. They actually began to believe that the Valar held them prisoner in Aman, because of jealousy and reasons. Melkor also told them about the Men yet to come, which wasn't a lie but the truth, but since the other Valar hadn't mentioned the Men it made them look pretty bad.

Fëanor, fucking Fëanor, believed these lies the most, and he wanted freedom. Melkor liked this because he was jealous of the Silmarils, which Fëanor loved greedily.

Now you have to remember that Fëanor and Fingolfin, the elder sons of Finwë, were both high princes in Aman, and they both were proud and jealous. So it shouldn't come as a fucking surprise that Melkor spread lies to Fëanor that Fingolfin was planning to take his sons and usurp him. To Fingolfin and Finarfin, Melkor spread the lie that Fëanor would drive them from Túna. He also said, "Fëanor doesn't like your mom", which wasn't a lie.

The Noldor began making weapons because they were fucking pissed about all the shit they had heard. No one noticed or stopped them, apparently, until shit got pretty bad, including Fëanor speaking against the Valar, and Finwë called a council.

Fingolfin thought to himself, "Shit is getting serious. I had better go talk to Dad." So he went to Finwë and talked shit about Fëanor, who walked in on them in full battle gear. And by full battle gear, I mean armor and shit, unfortunately. He pointed his sword at Fingolfin and told him to piss off. Fingolfin didn't say anything and got the fuck out.

Way to handle your problems, oh wise Elves of wisely wisdom.

The Valar were now aware of all the shit that had gone down, but they couldn't do anything about it since it took them too long to notice. They assumed Fëanor was the instigator of all the shit even though all of the Noldor were now proud, and they called him to answer for all his supposed shit-talking. So Fëanor stood before Mandos and answered all that was asked of him, and it was finally revealed that Melkor was the source of all the shit. My bro Tulkas went right away to seize him and bring him to judgment, but Mandos wasn't done with Fëanor. He said, "Dude, how dare you fucking point your sword at your brother. Get the fuck out and think about what you've done for the next twelve years, and after that we will consider all this shit redressed, if others will release you." (Twelve years is like the Valar equivalent of a ten minute timeout, I guess.)

Straight away Fingolfin proved himself to be the better Elf as he said: "I will release my bro." But Fëanor didn't respond because he was too busy sulking, and he went away to the north. He took his seven sons with him, and they locked all their crap, including the Silmarils, away. Finwë came to this stronghold place in the north of Valinor (Formenos), too, I guess because he missed his oldest son. Fingolfin ruled the Noldor in Tirion, so the lies of Melkor came true, and it was all Fëanor's own fucking fault for pointing his sword at his bro. You just don't fucking do that, it's just not appropriate. If you think it is okay to point such a thing of penetrating ability at your sibling, then you'd better think again, or you'll get sent to Elf timeout for twelve years.

After all this shit happened the sons of Fingolfin and Fëanor didn't like each other. Hm.

Melkor hid like a little shit. Tulkas looked everywhere for him in vain. Melkor wasn't seen for a long time, but one day he turned up on Fëanor's doorstep. He tried to befriend Fëanor, but it didn't work because Fëanor would have to be a complete fucking idiot. Fëanor got all flame-y and told Melkor to get the fuck out and stay away from his precious Silmarils. And he slammed the door.

Finwë sent a message to the Valar, but by the time they got it, it was too late. Melkor had left Valinor. The other Elves saw him leave in stormy rage of anger, like a thundercloud.

Just imagine a little black raincloud, hovering away from Valinor, because that's exactly what it was like. And that raincloud would be back to steal itself some honey.


	10. QS Chapter 8

**Since this is so short, I will try to have several more updates by later today and tomorrow. Sorry it took so long! I have to be in the right mood to write this stuff. ;)**

Chapter 8 / Of the Darkening of Valinor / Shit Gets Serious

Melkor made his sneaky, douche-y escape, and the Valar didn't catch him. He went to Ungoliant, a giant creepy-ass spider thing that Melkor corrupted into his service. That doesn't mean that he found a spider and was like, "Join me, evil-looking creature!" but that Ungoliant was probably one of the Maiar or something. (Shit, we don't actually know. Maybe he _did _recruit spiders. First thing I would do if I were a villain.)

She didn't actually feel like working for him because she just wanted to eat and avoid doing work. Whoa, maybe she's my soul mate. She also did not want to piss off the Valar. But Melkor got her to work for him again by promising her goodies. He did not really mean it, though.

They went some place high up on a mountain, the name of which was Hyarmentir. Just make a weird sneeze sound and that's close enough to the name of wherever they were. The Valar weren't vigilant (when are they ever vigilant) at the place where Melkor and Ungoliant went, and even if they had been, she wove a super dark cloak of darkness that was so dark Tolkien described it as an Unlight. So no one could see them while they did stuff in the darkness…Oh.

Melkor looked in the direction of Valinor and he chuckled an evil chuckle. Chuckles are evil because they sound pretty fucking evil. Anyway, he and Ungoliant decided to be party crashers. They leapt down the mountain covered in Ungoliant's cool Unlight dark cloak thing.

It was festival time, which Melkor well knew. Ooh, that sounds ominous. In other words, the Valar were throwing themselves a fucking party when they should have been working. Manwë had good intentions, however; he wanted the Noldor to fucking kiss and make up. Fëanor and Fingolfin had a special moment. Fingolfin said, "Dude, you are like a full-brother to me. I love you. Also, I'm super nice." As they stood before Manwë, kissing and making up, the lights of the Two Trees mingled, and then Melkor showed up to wreck shit.

Melkor killed the Two Trees dead. Ungoliant helped. People were sad.

Without the strange, light-emitting trees, Valinor was very dark. The darkness was not only literal, but metaphorical. The metaphorical darkness made people very sad indeed.

Melkor got his vengeance. He probably chuckled afterwards, too.


	11. QS Chapter 9

**I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed or added this story as a favorite. It's very encouraging! Also I'd like to thank fantasychica37 for the helpful reviews and PMs! Please read fantasychica37's story "********Fëanáro's** **Epic Fail: Loopholes", which I think does an excellent job of pointing out the flaws in ** **Fëanor's oath. You can find it in my favorites. :)**

Chapter 9 / Of the Flight of the Nolder / This is Actually Pretty Fucking Depressing / I'm Sad

Yavanna stood before the dead trees while people were being sad, and she said, "Fëanor was pretty smart to put the light of the Two Trees in the Silmarils. If he would just not be a douche just this once, and share just a teensy bit of the light, I could totally undo all this shit."

Manwë said, "You hear that, Fëanor? Don't be a jerk and cough up the Silmarils."

Fëanor was silent, which made Tulkas angry. He said, "Speak up, Elf."

Aulë responded, "Dude, leave him alone. This is a very great thing to ask of this special snowflake. Wait."

Fëanor cried. He said, "I can't do it. If I have to break open my precious stones I will be very sad indeed. I might even be killed, the first of the Eldar in Aman. "

To which Mandos responded, "Nope, motherfucker." Because he knew shit that no one else knew.

Then Fëanor recalled that Melkor had told him that the Valar were thieves, and he said, "If you try to take my rocks, I will know you are just like Melkor."

Mandos said, "Well fine. Shit." And Nienna went onto the green hill where the Two Trees were and she cried. Lots of crying happened.

Then the Noldor from Formenos showed up with bad news. Melkor went to Formenos and killed Finwë King of the Noldor, and he stole the Silmarils.

Fëanor was outraged and also super sad. He did lots of cursing, and he gave Melkor a new name, Morgoth, which means blackness or Black Foe of the World or something. And he also cursed Manwë since he hadn't been home to protect his father, and it was Manwë's little kiss-and-make-up party that caused his absence from home.

Fëanor ran home. It says right here that he wasn't a total jerk because he _did_ love his father more than anything else, including his stones. Aw.

Morgoth (we're calling him Morgoth now, m'kay?) and Ungoliant ran far, far away. Morgoth tried to outrun Ungoliant because he didn't want to keep his promise to her, but she figured this was the case and said, "Hold up. I did what you wanted. I am so hungry."

And Morgoth said, "Lady. Giant, creepy-ass spider lady. You should really, _really_ go on a diet. You can't eat the whole world."

"No," said Ungoliant. "But I can eat your treasure." And she ate all of his gems except for the Silmarils, which he held close.

"Gimme." Ungoliant said.

"No," said Melkor. Fuck I mean Morgoth.

Here's a free tip from me: Don't do anything to piss off a giant, creepy spider that has super powers, okay?

She caught Morgoth in one of her super-powered webs and he screamed the worst scream ever. It was such a horrible scream that the region they were in was named Lammoth, which I'm guessing means Really Horrific Scream.

Luckily for Morgoth his Balrogs showed up with their flaming whips, and they drove Ungoliant away. So she ran away to some place and had lots of spider babies. She enjoyed eating so much that some say she ate herself long ago, but no one knows how she actually died or if she even died. Maybe she's still around. Dear reader, be sure to recall this late at night.

Back in Valinor, everyone was busy being sad. Metaphorical and literal darkness is so depressing. And then Fëanor showed up, being all fiery and stuff! His banishment wasn't technically lifted yet, but I don't know why since his brother _did _forgive him, which was the fucking condition for banishment to be lifted. I must have missed something. Anyway, he openly rebelled against the Valar and spoke to a bunch of the Noldor. He was very convincing with his silver, flaming tongue.

"Guys," he said. "Why the fuck should we serve the Valar? They can't even keep one guy in check. I am so leaving. By the way, I should be king now." And he said a bunch of other stuff.

He also made a terrible oath, which is kind of fucking important, so pay attention. He swore vengeance on any Vala, Demon, Elf, or Man, etcetera, who would keep a Silmaril from him. His seven sons also took this vow. Big mistake. This entire vow was a very stupid idea, for reasons. Also, the Valar don't technically recognize Morgoth as a Vala. Just so you know.

Some of the Noldor, like Fingolfin, were like, "Fuck no." Finarfin told everyone to calm down. Some chick named Galadriel didn't swear any oaths, but she wanted to leave and see Middle-earth, and maybe rule her own realm. Other people felt the same.

Anyway, people left. Fëanor led them, urging them to hurry and to not stop and think because thinking is too rational. The Valar didn't do anything to stop them. I guess their feelings were hurt since Fëanor accused them of holding the Elves as prisoners.

The Noldor left, even the ones that weren't too keen on going because they didn't want to be left behind. They were pretty divided in how they felt about all this, and not all of them wanted Fëanor as king, preferring his brothers. They still left anyway, and they had a pretty big host. Fëanor thought to himself, "Oh fuck. We're going to need some ships to cross the sea if we're going to do this." So he decided to try convincing the Teleri to join them and give them some ships, and he hopped over to Alqualondë.

The Teleri didn't give care. Well, they cared enough to try to convince the Noldor not to go. Fëanor got mad and said, "You aren't my friends anymore. Give us your ships. We are the reason you even came here."

And Olwë King of the Teleri said, "Not so fast, motherfucker. We built those ships ourselves. And I'm still your friend! I'm trying to stop you from making a stupid mistake, dude."

But then they definitely weren't friends, because the Noldor tried to steal the ships. The Teleri attempted to stop them. Huge mistake. The first Kinslaying happened, and many died on both sides. The Noldor got away with the ships, and Uinen, mourning the Teleri mariners, wrecked and drowned some of the ships, but the Valar did not interfere with the Noldor because reasons. Lame reasons, but still reasons.

After the Noldor escaped, a dark figure, who was probably Mandos, came to them. And he spoke a terrible prophecy, which is called the Doom of the Noldor. It said bad things would happen to the Noldor, like crying. Lots of crying.

Fëanor responded, "We don't care if bad things will happen. We took an oath."

But Finarfin, filled with grief, returned to Valinor with his people. He was pardoned. Smart guy. He ruled over the rest of the Noldor that were in Valinor, but his sons weren't with him since they felt so close to the sons of Fingolfin, and Fingolfin's folk didn't turn back, especially since some of them had done some mean kinslayin'.

So the remaining Noldor came to a barren wasteland called Araman, and they realized it would really suck to cross the grinding ice strait called Helcaraxë, and they also didn't have enough ships. Fingolfin's people were pretty pissed at Fëanor, and Fëanor responded by stealing the remaining ships and sailing away. When they landed Maedhros, Fëanor's eldest son, asked who should sail back to bring Fingolfin's people.

Fëanor chuckled. "Fucking no one. Let the ships burn, like my flame-y spirit!" And he set the white ships of the Teleri on fire.

You can bet Fingolfin regretted all those times he was super nice to Fëanor, despite the fact that he pointed a sword at him and was always a douche whenever Fingolfin openly forgave him. So Fingolfin, Fingon, and Galadriel led the people across the grinding ice. Many of the Elves died, but when they made it across they blew their trumpets at the first rising of the Moon.

The trumpets said, "Fuck you guys."


	12. QS Chapter 10

Chapter 10 / Of the Sindar / Short People Appear Too

In case you forgot about Elwë and Melian, here's a nifty reminder: they got together after staring adoringly at each other for literally years. Elwë, a.k.a. Elu Thingol, a.k.a. King Greymantle, was the king of the Grey-elves, also called the Sindar, of Beleriand. Thingol and Melian had a kid, Lúthien, and there were bright stars and white flowers and stuff. Everything was very beautiful. They were probably the best Elves on Middle-earth. I'm going to go ahead and say they _were_ the best Elves at this point, simply because they hadn't killed anyone yet.

During the second age of the captivity of Melkor, the Dwarves came over the Blue Mountains of Ered Luin into Beleriand, and the Sindar were certainly surprised. "Gee, you guys speak with voices, just like us," the Sindar said. The Dwarves called themselves Khazâd, but the Sindar called them the Naugrim (the Stunted People), which I'm sure wasn't meant as an insult. They were also called Gonorrhea. Wait…that doesn't look right. I think autocorrect changed it…Well, I'm sure that's close enough. Anyway, Gonorrhea (…Gonnhirrim? Nah, that isn't it) meant Masters of Stone.

The Naugrim had a couple of stylishly hewn cities in the east side of Ered Luin. These cities weren't as impressive as the mansions of Khazadûm, which later came to be known as Moria, in some place called the Mountains of Mist. Eh, I'm sure that's not important. I don't know why I mentioned it. Anyway, back to the two cities of Ered Luin. These cities had a bunch of super names, but the ones that we will remember are in Elvish: Belegost and Nogrod. The Elves didn't really travel to these two cities, but the Dwarves didn't seem to mind popping out of the ground into Beleriand. (I think they actually made a road, but the image of Dwarves spitting like watermelon seeds out of the ground is fantastic, no?) Some slight racism occurred, but other than that they got along well enough. The Elves didn't like the un-prettiness of the Dwarf language, but the Dwarves didn't want to teach the Elves their language anyway. (See? Friendship.) It should be noted that the Dwarves gave their friendship more readily to the Noldor later on since the Noldor were like Aulë and crafted stuff.

One day Melian told Thingol that the peace wouldn't last. She knew this because of special Maia insight. Thingol pondered this, and he went to the Dwarves of Belegost and asked for help to fortify stuff. The Dwarves readily agreed because they were nice guys. Thingol gave them pearls that he got from Círdan the Shipwright. You can't really find pearls under the mountains, so the Dwarves were very impressed with them.

And so the Dwarves built mansions into the earth for Thingol, and the Dwarves and Elves worked together. It was a very special time indeed, and they made an amazing place, probably the most amazing place on Middle-earth. They called it Menegroth.

In the third age of the captivity of Melkor, the Dwarves were troubled, and they told Thingol so. Evil stuff was just running loose, almost as if the Valar had failed to root out all evil in Middle-earth! (Shocking.) Orcs were showing their ugly faces in Beleriand. The Elves didn't understand what the Orcs were, thinking maybe they were Avari (the Elves who refused to answer the Valar's summons) who had turned evil. That was a pretty good guess.

…Now we're going to talk about a different bunch of Elves, who were led by a guy named Lenwë and split from the Teleri host. These guys are called the Nandor. They scattered around Middle-earth, and when they came across the evil creatures, they were naturally scared shitless. Denethor, son of Lenwë, heard about the peace of Thingol's realm and decided to lead as many of his people as he could find into his land. Wait…this breaks from the proud Elvish tradition for leaders to have 'wë' names. (Denethor: "Dad, why didn't you name me Denethorwë? Didn't you believe I could follow in your footsteps?" Lenwë: "Son…I wanted a better life for you…") Thingol welcomed Denethor's group like the lost kin that they were and they lived in Ossiriand, the Land of Seven Rivers.

There isn't much to say about those peaceful years after Denethor showed up. The stars shown, the flowers smelled good, Melian's beauty was as noon, Lúthien's beauty was as the dawn in spring, and I'm sure Thingol was pretty, too.

Then Morgoth killed the Two Trees and tried to betray Ungoliant. All of Beleriand heard his horrible scream, apparently. Ungoliant tried to invade Thingol's realm, but Melian held up her hand and said, "Stop." So Ungoliant went somewhere else. Morgoth returned to Angband, and his minions gathered around him. The Orcs multiplied in the darkness (ew) and one day they attacked King Thingol. He was cut off from Círdan's people in Falas (western coasts of Beleriand), and he called for the aid of Denethor. This was the first battle of the Wars of Beleriand.

Denethor died. I guess he wasn't cut out to lead after all. Thingol avenged him and the Elves won, but they mourned Denethor and his people took no king again. Some returned to Ossiriand and became the Green-elves, the Laiquendi, and some went north to join Thingol's people…so I guess they technically took Thingol as king. I have been lied to.

When Thingol made it home to Menegroth, he learned that the Orcs in the west, in Círdan's land, had been victorious, pushing Círdan back to the rim of the sea. So…I guess he was really living…on the edge. (*ba dum tiss*) Thingol withdrew all his people, and Melian put forth a super Maia-powered wall called the Girdle of Melian that none could pass without the permission of Melian or King Thingol. This land inside the invisible Maia wall became known as Doriath, Land of the Girdle. The servants of Morgoth roamed free, except in the walls of Doriath and in the walls of the Falas.

And I'm sure everyone just stayed inside their respective walls and lived happily ever after.


End file.
